The Muppet Stephen Sondheim’s Company

For no particular reason.

PIGGY: As for moi, I have been studying martial arts. Do you want to see what I can do? Come here, sweetie.

KERMIT: Oh, I don’t think that’s necess–

PIGGY: Hiii-YA!

(Kermit flies like a ragdoll across the set.)

KERMIT: Sheesh. I need to get out more.

PIGGY: Oh, you think vou could get out of that? Is that what you’re saying?

KERMIT: No, actually, what I said was–

(Sounds of off-screen mayhem. Pan back to Piggy and see she has tied Kermit’s limbs in a pretzel knot.)


JANICE: Like, fer shur, there’s gotta be, like, a hundred different people on that train!


BOBBY (played by random human actor, Tom Hiddleston): Harry, are you ever sorry you got married?

(music lead in)

ANIMAL: SORRY! GRATEFUL! SORRY! GRATEFUL!


(Camilla clucks into the kitchen to get some drinks)

GONZO: (conspiratorially) Say, Bobby–you ever have an… artistic experience?


BOBBY (dazed from having been recreationally hit in the head with a frying pan): But once you get married, that’s it! You can never not have been married again!

SAM THE EAGLE: You are all weirdos.


STATLER: Have we got a girl for you!

WALDORF: Wait till you meet her!

STATLER: Wait, have I met her?

WALDORF: Of course you have! Young, with a fondness for Sazerac slings!

STATLER: Oh yeah. Why are we wasting her on a chump like Bobby?

WALDORF: Good point. Hey, Bobby, we haven’t got a girl for you.

BOTH: Doo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!


FOZZY: You don’t understand, Bobby. She’s different when you’re around. I’d like you to meet Joanne some time. What I’m saying is, you’re in an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with a tendency to competitive alcoholism, and I think you both need to find better ways to deal with your repressed anxieties about loneliness and aging.

BOBBY: …

FOZZY: …

BOBBY: …

FOZZY: WAKKA WAKKA!


PAUL (played by random human actor, Zachary Levi): TODAAAAAY is for AAAMYYY… my wonderful, beautiful WIIIIIIIIFE….

(Paul exits, music intensifies)

SWEDISH CHEF: Perdernmi, ist erfaburdy hur? Berkurs if all dur wie be hur Ur’d lijk ter dink yer…

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