This week, in the ABC Monday Mystery Movie, Lt. Columbo is going to try every trick in the book–but he has to make sure that book doesn’t end up with his name in it! Watch Columbo Reads a Death Note! This Monday, at 8:00/7:00 Central!

STEVE BADASS is running his mouth outside. You can tell he’s generally defiant of social norms by the way he smacks his gum.

STEVE
My name is Stephen James Badass! That is my legal name! Here are three forms of photo ID! And now I’m going to commit crimes!

BYSTANDER LADY
No! Not crimes! I really don’t like those!

Inside, LIGHT YAGAMI, dressed conspicuously inconspicuous in a hoodie, ball cap, and glasses, stands at the coffee station, watching STEVE through the front window.

LIGHT
“Stephen James Badass,” eh?

RYUK, an amoral death god, appears beside LIGHT. He looks like Pennywise’s childhood bully. Nobody else in the store can see him.

RYUK (taking an apple from a nearby fruit stand)
You know how this works, right?

LIGHT
HOLY CRAP! You scared me!

RYUK
Oh come on, Light. We’ve been conspiring for days now. Surely you don’t find me so unsettling anymore.

LIGHT
I don’t. It’s just, for a second, I thought you were Willem Defoe.

RYUK (contrite)
Oh. That’s messed up. Sorry. Anyway, you know his name and you’ve seen his face. If you write his name in the book, he will die.

LIGHT
I know how it works. It’s not like I just came into being thirty seconds ago.

STEVE
Oh boy! Time for crime! I’m gonna cut the tag off of a mattress!

BYSTANDER LADY
Well, that’s actually perfectly fine, as long as you’re the consumer–

STEVE
I won’t be!

BYSTANDER LADY
Nooooo!

LIGHT starts writing in his book. STEVE BADASS’s posture suddenly shifts. He picks up three discarded Coke cans out of the trash, walks into the middle of the street, and starts juggling them while singing “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General.” Drivers lay on their horns as they swerve to avoid him, but he continues juggling, undeterred. Once he finishes the line “in order categorical,” he bows, does a pirouette, and promptly chokes on his gum.

LIGHT
It works!

RYUK
You know, you didn’t have to be so complicated. If you just wrote his name, he would have died of a heart attack.

LIGHT
Yes, but I wanted to confirm that I could control the cause of death. That was the first thing I thought of.

RYUK
That only raises more questions. About you, specifically.

LIGHT
Doesn’t matter. All that matters is that, with your magical death-inducing notebook–

RYUK
My “Death Note,” if you will.

LIGHT
–I can kill all the criminals in the world, and since it’s supernatural, it will be impossible to trace their deaths back to me. I am a genius who has managed to commit the perfect crime! Nothing will ever be able to stop me!

---

A few days later. LIGHT is on campus, preparing for class. A rumpled man in a slightly less-rumpled raincoat enters.

COLUMBO
Excuse me, are you Light Yagami?

LIGHT
I am.

COLUMBO
Good afternoon. I’m Lt. Columbo with SFPD, Homicide. Could I speak to you for a few minutes?

LIGHT
What is this about?

COLUMBO
I was led to believe you were a witness when Steve Badass died.

LIGHT
I already gave a statement about that at the time.

COLUMBO
You did, sir. You did. And ordinarily, that would be the end of things. But with all these unexplained deaths occurring lately, the Department is looking into other strange deaths, to see if there’s any kind of connection. There probably isn’t; I just need to check a few things off a list so we can get back to actually trying to catch this guy.

LIGHT
I saw on Channel 7 that that is turning into a paranormal investigation. How do you feel about that, Lieutenant?

COLUMBO
I tell ya, Mr. Yagami, that wouldn’t have been my call. But I’m just a glorified beat cop, really, and if my captain says to follow this lead, I follow this lead. I’m sure it’s all gonna come to nothing, though.

LIGHT
Are you really all that concerned about all these criminals dying of heart attacks?

COLUMBO
Well that’s the thing–they’re not all criminals. Oh sure, that’s how they’re getting talked about, and a few of them were caught in the prosecution of a crime, but a lot of them were only suspects.

LIGHT
Suspects in fairly open-and-shut cases, from what I’ve seen.

COLUMBO
And you’re not alone in thinking that, but the thing is–those cases aren’t getting open or shut, not with them dying like this. They’re not getting a fair trial. Anyway, if it is supernatural, I’m really out of my depth here. But I’m taking too much of your time, and you’re trying to get to class.

COLUMBO, suddenly distracted, peers down at LIGHT’s bookbag, which is partially open. Books spill out, including the Death Note.

COLUMBO
Gee, that’s really interesting.
He reaches down toward the pile of books. LIGHT looks nervous for a minute, then relaxes when he sees COLUMBO stand up with one of his text books.
You know, I had this same criminology book when I was in the academy. It was an older edition, of course, and about half the size. Are you studying criminology.

LIGHT
That’s right.

COLUMBO
Boy, I can’t tell you how many times I had to retake criminology!

LIGHT
It demands a keen mind, and an attention to detail.

COLUMBO
You really said a mouthful there.

LIGHT (smirking)
You know, I need to interview an active police officer for a project. I would love to have a better understanding of how your mind works.

COLUMBO
Well isn’t that something! I could put you in touch with my captain or somebody if you want. I’ve got nothing really that I could probably teach you. If this class isn’t giving you any problems, you’re probably gonna be my boss in ten years.

LIGHT (laughing)
If that happens, Lieutenant, then I promise I won’t put you on any more paranormal investigations.

COLUMBO
Gee, that’s swell. That’s really something to look forward to. Anyway, I’ll get out of your hair…

COLUMBO stops in the doorway.

LIGHT
Did you forget something, Lieutenant?

COLUMBO
No, sir. It’s just one more thing. You said something a minute ago that stuck with me. About all the criminals dying.

LIGHT
Yes. We talked about it already.

COLUMBO
Oh sure, oh sure. It’s just… you said why would I care about “all of them dying of heart attacks.” I never said anything about heart attacks. And in the news… they’ve not been saying heart attacks, either. That’s one of those things we keep out of the papers to help with–well, you’re taking criminology, so you know all about that. So, why would you say “heart attacks”?

LIGHT
A reasonable assumption, detective. When someone dies suddenly, isn’t heart attack the first thing that comes to mind?

COLUMBO
Only, you didn’t say “dying suddenly.” You said “dying of heart attacks.” You were sure of that. But no, you’re right. It’s just an expression. This case has got me all mixed up; I’m jumping at shadows. Sorry for taking so much of your time, Mr. Yagami.

---

RYUK (with a mouth full of apples)
Are you concerned about the police investigation? If they’re starting to investigate the paranormal, you may not be as untouchable as you thought.

LIGHT
But look who they have investigating it! The entire investigation is a sop so the department can tell the public they’re taking it seriously, even though they’re not. If they cared at all about getting any results here, they would have put someone halfway competent on the case.

RYUK
I think he may be smarter than he appears, Light.

LIGHT
He’d have to be to walk upright and clothe himself.

---

COLUMBO
Say, Mr. Yagami, do you mind if I use your phone? I gotta call my captain.

LIGHT
By all means.
(to RYUK)
It’s 2021. Why doesn’t he have a cell phone?

RYUK
For that matter, why do you have a landline?

COLUMBO
I spoke to that guy whose name you gave me. The guy at the Japanese Cultural Center, and he was pretty sure he knew what we should be looking at. He called it a… oh, excuse me…
(COLUMBO pats each of his pockets in turn until he finally finds a small spiral-bound notepad. He opens it and flips it to the last page.)
He said it’s called a (self-consciously careful pronunciation) Shi-ni-ga-mi.

RYUK and LIGHT exchange a look.

COLUMBO
Yeah, these are death gods… No, not just one, like Hades or something. There’s a lot of them. And they can make people die… No, people still die without the shi-ni-ga-mi. But these guys can make people die earlier than they were supposed to, and they get to keep all the years they didn’t get to live… Well, no sir, I didn’t think to ask about that. I can go back and… No, sir, I’ll come back to HQ. Thank you, sir. (hangs up)

LIGHT
Has there been a break in the case?

COLUMBO
I wouldn’t go that far. It might be something, and it might be nothing. My captain’s optimistic that these death gods, these… (looks for pad again)

LIGHT
Shinigami?

COLUMBO
That’s the one. He thinks this might lead to something, that these might be what’s behind all these deaths. Gee, I hope he’s wrong.

LIGHT
Why’s that?

COLUMBO
I just wanted it to be a person. I’m an old-fashioned cop, you see. If we can find a person behind the killings, I know what to do about that. We arrest him and the killings stop. But if this is just a bunch of bored gods playing their games, well, I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that. And not just as a detective, if you see what I mean. If we can’t take anybody in, if we can’t stop it, then these killings are going to keep happening.

LIGHT
Then this will be the new normal. Perhaps that’s the impetus humanity needs to abandon its lawless ways. Finally, we’ll have some order.

COLUMBO
But that’s the thing, we don’t know that it is order. If these gods arbitrarily decided to go so public all of the sudden and to go after, as you say, criminals… Well, if they change their policies out of the blue from one week to the next, who’s to say they won’t change again? That’s not order, that’s caprice. But you’re right, this will be the new normal.

LIGHT
So if your captain is satisfied that it’s these shinigami, and that there’s nothing he can do about them, what will happen then?

COLUMBO
Well, I guess that’ll be the end of the investigation. I’m sorry, Mr. Yagami. I know you were hoping to interview me for that project in your criminology class, but I’m afraid I’ve got to get back to Headquarters. You understand.

LIGHT
Of course, Lieutenant. I’m glad all of this is finally resolving.

COLUMBO starts to leave, then doesn’t.

LIGHT
Something wrong, Lieutenant?

COLUMBO
Not wrong. It’s just little things, they stick with me. My wife–that’s Mrs. Columbo–she’s always saying “You need to be able to turn it off and relax.” And she’s right. But still I pick up these little details, and I can’t stop thinking about ‘em until I can make everything fit together.

LIGHT
And what’s the little detail that’s troubling you now?

COLUMBO
It’s just… do you watch the news, Mr. Yagami?

LIGHT
I like to stay informed.

COLUMBO
You see this thing about those armed robbers that died of heart attacks?

LIGHT
I’m afraid you’ll have to be more specific. That’s been happening a lot lately.

COLUMBO
They didn’t die during the bank robbery. The died afterwards. It was a five-man crew, and four of them died at the same time, of heart attacks of course. The fifth guy? He didn’t die until the following afternoon. Another heart attack. Ordinarily, all these people die at the same time. And that got me thinking about the timing. So I did a little digging, and you know what I found?

LIGHT
Suppose you tell me, Lieutenant.

COLUMBO
Well it turns out that when the first four guys died, it was just after their names and mugshots had shown up on the Channel 7 News. The fifth guy, though? This… (looks at pad) Pete No-Good? His name was misspelled. They left out the hyphen, you see. They didn’t correct it until the the afternoon news the next day–and as soon as they did, Pete No-Good died. And that got me digging a little more, because it turns out every one who died–every single one of them–they only died after their names and pictures showed up in the news somewhere. Just the names or just the pictures… nothing. But when there was both, they died pretty soon after.

LIGHT
I don’t see how that’s relevant.

COLUMBO
It’s just… Maybe my captain’s right. Maybe these shinigami are involved. Involved, mind you. I’m not sure they’re behind it. Because why would a god need to have a news report to know who to kill? No, our killer may be using a shinigami’s power, but more and more, I’m thinking this is a person. And I think he’s here, in San Francisco, because he watches the Channel 7 News. Anyway, I need to get back to Headquarters.

LIGHT
Of course. Lieutenant… do you have a business card on you? So I can call about re-scheduling our interview.

COLUMBO
Of course… (digs through every pocket, and eventually finds them in the first one he had checked) Here you go.

LIGHT
Thank you, Lieutenant… Oh, this is for the entire department. I was hoping for a direct line.

COLUMBO
Oh, that’s budget cuts. They don’t give us individual business cards anymore. But if you call that number and ask for Lt. Columbo, it’ll come through to me, no worries.

LIGHT
Of course. But I just now realized… I don’t know your first name.

RYUK perks up.

COLUMBO
Oh, you won’t need it. I’m the only Columbo in the whole precinct. Anyway, begging your pardon, Mr. Yagami.

---

LIGHT sits at the computer, typing furiously. RYUK crushes two apples in his fists, sorts the pulp out into lines with his talons, then snorts the lines.

RYUK
So now you see that that man is dangerous.

LIGHT
Nobody likes a know-it-all, Ryuk.

RYUK
That’s not fair; I’m sure someone likes you. What are you doing now?

LIGHT
Checking the SFPD website, press releases, even their personnel files–their firewall was a joke. I need to find Lieutenant Columbo’s first name.

RYUK
I can tell you what it is.

LIGHT
I know you can. But are you going to?

RYUK
I wasn’t planning on it. But there are ways.

LIGHT
Yes, I remember your “deal.” If I give up half of my remaining lifespan, I’ll be able to see someone’s full name just by looking at them.

RYUK
Seems to me it would solve all of your problems.

LIGHT
Except the problem of a shorter lifespan. (reads) Dammit!

RYUK
Trouble?

LIGHT
Not a single reference to that detective uses his first name. Even the personnel files aren’t any help–the man’s been with the force so long, he predates their computer system.

RYUK
And what does that mean.

LIGHT
It means I’m going to have to get into the SFPD myself. And I know just the person to get me there. (dials phone) Yes, I would like to speak to Lt. Columbo.

---

LIGHT
Thank you for meeting me.

COLUMBO
Tell you the truth, you’re doing me a favor. With this shinigami thing wrapping up, I’m spending most of my time on paperwork. This interview is gonna be a breath of fresh air.

LIGHT
The station is busier than I thought it was going to be.

COLUMBO
A lot of press, a lot of politicians. This has been a very public case, and it’s not ending quietly. Are you sure you want to have the interview here?

LIGHT
I thought it would be easier to schedule.

COLUMBO
Well, you’re right about that. But it’s Grand Central Station in here. Hey, I got an idea, follow me.

---

COLUMBO
This is the records room. Not case files or anything, that stuff is under pretty tight lock and key. This is just internal stuff. It’s low priority. There aren’t even any cameras in here. But it’s quiet. We can have the interview at the duty officer’s desk, since he’s out. Oh, looks like we need another chair. Let me call for one.
COLUMBO picks up the phone and hits buttons.
Phone’s busted. You hang tight, while I see if I can find us another chair. Oh, and do you want some coffee?

LIGHT
No thank you, Lieutenant.

COLUMBO
Yeah, but I think I might need some. So I’ll be back when I can find a chair and some coffee.

COLUMBO exits.

LIGHT
Watch the door and let me know when he’s coming back.

LIGHT checks the labels on the filing cabinets, then picks the lock on one. RYUK sticks his head through the door.

RYUK
He’s coooomiiiing!

LIGHT grabs a file folder then flips it open, reads, and smiles.

COLUMBO (entering)
Is a folding chair all right, I– Say, what are you doing with that file?

LIGHT
Nothing… Philip! With one L!

LIGHT writes “Philip Columbo” in the Death Note.

COLUMBO
Listen, this is pretty serious. These files are private, and when I invited you into this room I didn’t intend…

COLUMBO grabs his chest and gasps. He falls down to the floor in a heap. LIGHT laughs.

LIGHT
I have to admit, he made me work for it. I’m sorry Lieutenant. You’re a lawful man, and it was a shame to kill you. However, my work must continue–the perfection of the human race through the destruction of the criminal element! You were smart enough to figure out how I was doing it–using the powers of shinigami as my own–but not smart enough to see how necessary it was!

COLUMBO
Is that good enough?

SPEAKERPHONE
Sure thing, Lieutenant, we got all of it.

LIGHT
But…

COLUMBO (rising)
My name, sir. It isn’t Philip Columbo, it’s… Well, it’s not important at the point what it is. I had the boys plant some false files in the room, knowing you’d need my name in order to kill me once I became a threat.

LIGHT
But, that isn’t… Ryuk, you let me…

RYUK
I’m afraid you never understood the nature of this relationship. I wasn’t your friend or even your accomplice. I was bored and you were entertaining. Now, to tie up the loose ends…

RYUK pulls out a second Death Note and a pen.

COLUMBO (to RYUK)
I wouldn’t do that if I were you, sir.

RYUK
You can see me?

COLUMBO
Yes, sir. I could for some time. When Mr. Yagami and I spoke about his criminology textbook, well, the Death Note was in the same bag, and I touched it. I’ve been able to see and hear you ever since.

RYUK
Then maybe I should write your name here as well.

COLUMBO
You won’t be writing either name. You see, there hasn’t been an execution in California in fifteen years, but a high profile case like this… I can’t guarantee that Mr. Yagami’s not going to get the death penalty. I wouldn’t know that; that’s a different department. That means if you kill me, you’re saving his life, and if my friend at the Cultural Center is right, if you use that book to save someone’s life… well, that’s about the only way to kill a shinigami.

RYUK
And why wouldn’t I just kill Light?

COLUMBO
Well, the thing is, I can’t guarantee he’ll be executed–I can’t even guarantee he’ll be convicted, strange case as this is, the American judicial system wasn’t exactly built for this. If he goes free, I assume he’s going to keep going with his “work” as he calls it, even if he has to have different methods. That means you’d be saving the life of future victims by killing him.

RYUK
Your grasp of our laws is tenuous. I’m not sure it works the way you describe.

COLUMBO
But you’re not sure I’m wrong, either. Why risk it?

RYUK
You put a lot of faith in your word games.

COLUMBO
No, I was just buying time until these fine folks showed up.

Two other shinigami, REM and SIDOH, appear in the room. REM grabs the Death Note from RYUK’s hands and SIDOH picks up the one LIGHT dropped.

COLUMBO
I asked around, and it turns out you had two of these Death Notes–the one you gave Light and the one you carry. That means you had to steal one from another shinigami, which, as I take it, is a huge problem for your people. Now, I don’t have any jurisdiction over you, Mr. Ryuk, but these people do, and they’re going to want a word with you.

RYUK
It’s not over for me. This will be a mere inconvenience for a hundred years or so, then I’ll be back.

COLUMBO
Yes, sir, I suppose you will. But I’m afraid that’ll be a little above my pay grade.

The three shinigami disappear together. LIGHT sits down in the chair at the desk. COLUMBO opens the folding chair and sits across from him.

LIGHT
It’s over now, isn’t it.

COLUMBO
Yes, sir.

LIGHT slumps forward, resting his face in his hands, and laughs softly

LIGHT
To tell the truth, part of me is glad to be done with it. Carrying all that anger, that righteous indignation, believing I was the only person who could save the world…

COLUMBO
It’s a lot to put on a person. It wasn’t fair of that shinigami to put all that on you. You’ve got enough on your plate just figuring out your own life. We all do.

LIGHT
It was possible Lieutenant. It was in my reach: The perfection of humanity!

COLUMBO
That’s the thing, though: insofar as it’s possible to perfect humanity, it’s never gonna be the work of one man. Not even one man with the powers of a god at his disposal. Humanity can only be perfected by all of us working toward that perfection, together.

LIGHT (as if seeing his adversary for the first time)
Tell me–you’re not some kind of mystical creature yourself, are you?

COLUMBO blushes and smiles.

COLUMBO
Me? No, sir. I told you–I’m just a glorified beat cop.

COLUMBO takes a bite out of an apple. Roll credits.

---

Special Note: I stalled out on this one for a while, because I kept trying to write an actual Columbo screen play instead of a few gags. I’ve got notes for a significantly longer version of this mess. But hey, if anybody ever acquires the rights to both Columbo and Death Note, hit me up!